What's Love Got to Do, Got to Do With It?

Don't know what to get your freelancing Valentine? Well, candy and cards don’t boost sales, honey. Here are the perfect gifts for the aspiring bestseller in your life;

Kiss My Ass. Customized back cover book reviews by New York Times bestselling authors are now available at BookSurge.com. Not a cheap gift (at $399), but if this doesn’t close the (book) deal nothing will.

A Weekend of Indolence and Artsy Fartsy Talk at a Writing Spa. Ojo Caliente Mineral Springs in New Mexico offers classes like Yoga of Writing who those suffering from writer’s block.
I've been thinking of a new direction
But I have to say,
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way
What's love got to do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs aheart when a heart can be broken

Well, who among us hasn't been there? You said it Double T.
Happy Valentine's Day. (and thanks to my good friend Chris for the Valentine!)

My Breakfast

I was thinking of doing a piece about guerrilla advertising in light of the Boston Bomb scare. One idea was to have the Feed the Children people commission Pancake Cottages across the country to serve breakfast dishes that look like that guy from the commercial they run 80 times a day and guilt people into giving. The other pancake I won't post – it was a kid with flies (raisins) buzzing around his head.

A New Way to Flush Your Pets Down the Toilet

Sometimes all you need is a goal, an object of luxury to work for that would symbolize having made it. For me that would be the Fish 'N Flush toilet. The ultimate in excessiveness, it is also ideal for apartment dwellers like me who have limited space. Of course, the bowl can double as the dog's water bowl. Interesting how it also consolidates the home's two most difficult spots to keep clean – the toilet and the fish tank (and I'm guessing things can get pretty scary quickly in that corner of the house with just a trace of neglect).

I've actually seen a demostration and when you flush the toilet the fish clearly jump and are skittish as the water in a separate, adjacent container drains past them, unsure if their luck has run out. To fully enjoy your aquarium it's best to use it facing the other way, which I've learned takes some geting used to.

Speaking of toilets, another surprising website (which I don't want to link) is The Balloon Destroyer, a site for those who enjoy the fetish of watching women sit on balloons. I came across this disturbing corner of the information highway while googling for images to draw my idea of moderating runway model's weight by making them take (sitting on) balloon tests. I learned the Balloon Destroyer is actually a housewife of 4 who profits from the weakness in men by selling DVDs of herself bursting balloons with her excessive weight.

The Write Stuff

What does it take to be a successful writer? In a recent interview in MediaBistro a well-known editor was asked what advise he would give to writers. His blunt, truthful insight to this business; “Be famous.” It’s worked for most bestsellers. What do O.J. Simpson, the Unabomber and First Daughter Jenna Bush all have in common? They’re famous, they’ve all had a small brush with the law and they’re all shopping around books (How Jenna Got Wild, Got Booked, and Got a Six-Figure Book Deal cartoon).

(By the way, that editor actually was my editor when I first jotted down this post a couple of days ago. I wrote jokingly after that "I should expect a new editor any day now." It's a few days and sure enough he's no longer my editor and I just met my fourth editor.)

And the winner is...

For all of those you missed the Super Bowl, the winner of the Cartoon Caption Contest was Larry Roibal, with his winning caption of;

"It looks like they're going to stop the clock for a measurement, Al." "That's right John, this official time out is brought to you by the good folks of Pfizer, who want to remind you that the next time you come up six inches short, sustain that drive with a little blue pill."

Not the most concise punchline but the funniest (and the only one received that was not totally offensive). Actually, complaints outnumbered legitimate entries and with that the cartoon in question has been altered for this (and future) posts. To avoid future complaints let me clarify that, yes, Mr. Roibal was the artist of the cartoon but there was a loophole in the rules which clearly stated that all of Larry Roibal's relatives would be ineligible but it said nothing about Larry himself. Thanks to everyone who submited entries but, again, Larry was funniest.

Aside from his no expenses paid trip to Miami, Mr. Roibal will be interviewed here in the near future about his life as a freelancer.

Hall of Famer Coach Lombardi at the first Super Bowl surrounded by two freelance cartoonists.

Super Bowl Halftime – Big Apple Style

We Got Your Super Bowl Half-Time Right Here
Unfortunately, the Super Bowl never comes to New York City otherwise you can be sure nobody would be drifting into the kitchen during halftime. Here are some out-of-the-box half-time shows, NYC Style;

Cartoon Caption Contest
Erectile dysfunction usually strikes a cord and incites healthy open conversation (more than once I've used it as an ice-breaker at parties). My rough sketch of NFL pharmaceutical sponsors having an erectile dysfunction inspired a few drawings to be sent my way and I'd like to include a couple of the best. The following is from freelance illustrator, Larry Roibal, who ironically, paints romance covers (any covers where a guy is throwing a ball through a tire?). Larry provides play-by-play with his roughs;
"Short of letting them float away, they couldn't figure out how to get them off the field without upsetting the censors..."


"We thought of deflating them, but the sponsr wouldn't hear of it."

Actually, there was a third drawing which climaxed the sequence but even I had to draw the line and censor the drawing, or at least the caption. So here's the drawing minus the offensive caption. (Yes, I will entertain the best punchlines, which will be voted on and give the original answer in a future post. No entries later than halftime of the Super Bowl when the winner will be announced at midfield before the start of the third quarter. The winner will receive tickets and be flown immediately to the game and later interviewed live (kinda) on this blog. Participants must be freelancers and cannot be members of my family, related to Larry Roibal or employees of Viagra, Performex, Cialis, Levitra or Time Warner Cable.)

Intially, my idea for a better Super Bowl halftime show was for the US government to postphone Hussein's execution until halftime but I find the idea, in hindsight, offensive and glad that Prince will be performing instead.

A Fish Story;

A weird illustration of mine is in today’s (Saturday, Jan. 27th) New York Times sports section. It was a lot of fun but the best part was having my friends help me figure out an ending for the cartoon. The drawing is the Greenberg Grab, a method in fly-fishing to landing a fish. The Times give me free rein to do what I want, something I'm very grateful for (and as a result, my best work in the past few years have been for the Times).

When I first turned the job in I got an e-mail saying, thanks, the art director and editor loved it, your talent is staggering…or something to that effect. Shortly after that I got another e-mail explaining that a higher up at the Times found my cartoon offensive and I would have to change the last guilty panel – the angler trying to catch the fish in his pants.

I leave to send out a missive to friends asking for suggestions for that last panel, the Greenberg Surprise. This included my friend Len, who is very funny – a connoisseur of jokes with a colorful background in humor (having once hosted a comedy show on NPR and has a brother who is a famous comedian). My buffet brother,* John, is also very funny and like me, a freelance illustrator. But he’s not just any illustrator but one of the best in the country and his work is seen everywhere. His most visible piece is his poster for Broadway’s The Odd Couple (his art can be enjoyed at www.johnkascht.com). I also asked my next-door neighbor (in Pennsylvania), an accomplished expert fly fisherman who I consider not just a friend but spiritual guide (he’s got a whole Zen thing going on). And, finally, my brother, who was extremely helpful as a sounding board for the jokes in my upcoming snowman book. So quite an eclectic group of advisers for this stupid little drawing.

Their fish stories were as varied as there are ways to prepare fish; the menu included…fish going into his shirt or instead have the fisherman catching a boot…or a fish sandwich…have him using a remote control to catch the fish, have the fish catching the guy…have the fish eating the guy…have the fish opening a can of beer for the guy, and finally…add a female assistant. But the most common suggestion was to have the fish biting him in the butt.

In the end I came up with this idea (in the shower while role playing) and the conservative solution is seen here as it appears in the Times today. Thanks to all the help and fun I had using a focus group to do this assignment.

By the way, I used Corel Painter IX. After geling the pen tool layer, I used the watercolor tool for wash.
*Spring Garden Seafood All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant in Hamlin and The Country Buffet