The Slush Files; Part 2

A MIDLIFE CRISIS UPDATE
Of course the premise of Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret is not a new one. When I was nineteen a book called Seeds of Greatness: 10 Best Kept Secrets of Total Success instructed me to make a list of life goals, which, through the power of positive thinking, would be obtainable to me by the time I was 50. Now two decades later and the clouds of a midlife crisis drifting in, the time has come to reflect back on that list and give myself a report card. At first glance I see that many of my dreams have hit the dust like melons falling off a flatbed truck on life’s bumpy journey.

1) Have a Threesome.
What seemed like such a good idea at the time, not so much now. Doughy and short of necessary stamina, just the idea of being naked in front of someone (including my wife or myself) disgusts me, never mind the logistic improbability these set-backs bring to the table. No point in elaborating. Grade: F

2) Be the First Beginner to Win the US. Open.
I have not missed a single U.S. tennis championship in the past fifteen years. Granted, I’ve attended as only a spectator but I have accumulated invaluable insight into what distinguishes the pretenders from the contenders. As I have learnt while reading Brad Gilbert’s, Winning Ugly, a book that is (slowly) bringing me closer to fulfilling my dream, becoming a champion is 50% physical–75% mental. This September I begin tennis lessons. Grade: C+

3) Invent a Time Machine.
Again, it looks like I might have raised the bar too high. Not only can I not report any progress on this front but for the past twenty years it hasn’t even been on my radar. I totally forgot about this probably very soon after I wrote it because the next year I preceded to go to art school and I can’t remember taking another physics class or whatever it is I would need to start work on a time machine. Probably have to let go of this one. Grade: F

4) Have My Own Remote Island Fully Staffed By Domesticated Monkeys.
Originally the intent was to have a tropical island overflowing with Amazon women waiting on me hand and foot. Ultimately, that vision was tweaked to funny monkeys in suits. At this junction of my life, further compromise seems in order and now I’m shooting for someplace more local, perhaps not off the grid but a share in the metropolitan area. Plus, now I see the benefits of not having servants who fling feces at each other. That said, the dream lives on, minus the chimps.
Grade: D

5) Go To The North Pole.
Obviously I was a kid who understood his priorities. This goal was nearly reached when seven years ago I eloped to Reykjavik and honeymooned in the Arctic Circle. But one thing kept holding me back in my quest to the pole that I didn’t count on–I really don’t like the cold. Grade: C

6) Meet Thomas Dolby.
Yes, I was as surprised as you to find this entry on my list. For what its worth, last year I saw the’80s pop star of “She Blinded Me With Science” fame at Joe’s Pub but like so many of my dreams from yesteryear, I didn’t even recognize the now-bald and paunchy Dolby when we happened to be standing next to each other. Less star struck and more struck with the finite shelf life of my dreams, I would still put Thomas Dolby on my dream dinner table but maybe now I’d feel comfortable enough to ask him to help clear the dishes. Grade: B+

The Slush Files; Part 1

Anyway, back to Montana for a minute. The best way to sum up this beautiful state is with this item from a local paper demonstrating 5-yr olds wheeling power tools as I'm told, "the way God intended them to."


Yep, everything is alittle different here at Glacier. Here is a excerpt of some of the entertainment we enjoyed in it's national park;

This Evening’s Programs (The Slush Files; Part 1)
Welcome to Glacier National Park. We at the great Lake McDonald Lodge invite guests to our free park sponsored seminars. The schedule for the week of the 24th is as following;

Monday at 8 pm at the Fish Creek Amphitheater we present “Watch Your Step!” by Professor Françoise Manúre, author of Every Critter Poops. This interactive program will demonstrate how our forests are just one big bathroom and includes real scat samples of all shapes and sizes to pass around. Cookies and beverages will be served.

Tuesday at 8:30 pm there will be a discussion in the dining hall called “How to Get the Most Out of Buffets.” This lively, comprehensive course is led by buffet-expert and health-skeptic Bob Grievances and cover subjects including pre-meal fasting and pacing yourself. Buffet Bob will teach you how to eat and evaluate using the catch and release method from his bestselling book, All You Can Eat. Continental breakfasts vs. breakfast buffets will also be discussed. Snacks will be served non-stop.


Thursday at 8:00 at The Avalanche Campground, “Can Your Marriage Survive This Trip?” Vacations can be relationship killers. Dr. Trudy knows this and will work with couples through common vacation pitfalls like how much to tip and what happens when you get really sick and tired of each other. Nobody leaves the class until they learn her buzzwords; compromise and separate-vacations!

“BEAR HERE! Gone Tomorrow; Grizzly Self-Defense.” Did you know humans cannot outrun bears? But did you also know most bears do not know Jujitsu? Master Lin will show you how to use black belt against the black bear and other, quote unquote, alternative methods of campground combat including hypnosis and slight-of-hand. Don’t let bear attacks ruin your visit to Glacier National Park. This popular fireside demonstration will be conducted Fridays at 9 pm in the Many Glaciers Lodge. Please bring one frying pan, a helmet, a pound of sliced deli meat and pepper spray.

I'm Back!

The Freelancer's Lament is back up and running. I have a pile of great stories to share in the upcoming week. Meanwhile, here are a couple of pictures from my trip to Montana.



My wife Tammy trying to get permission from critter to appear on this blog.


Success, as we get a signed release!

Gone Fishin'

I will be away until the end of June vacationing at Glacier National Park. We're hoping that the one and only road, Going-to-the-Sun Road, which runs through the park will be plowed and opened by the 22nd when we need to drive from one lodge on the east side to a lodge on the west side. Every year the road is closed until mid-June due to avalanches but this year was an exceptionally severe winter. At least that should mean we will see icebergs and glaciers which have been disappearing in past years.

Please revisit me in July. Thanks.

Freelancers Make Strange Bedfellows

Copyright © 2007 Bob Eckstein

Whether you knocked off a bank in college for tuition or jumped a turnstile as a teenager, these criminal offenses stay on your permanent record. The smallest of misdemeanors can affect an employment application...but not so for the wonderful, forgiving world of freelancing where most jobs don’t even require a resume. Writers, cartoonists, illustrators, construction workers – no resumes, no references, and in August, no shirts. That is why at any construction site the personnel is, in most cases, made up of either ex-convicts and/or freelance artists. And that is why you’re more likely to see artists at public protests or participate in general disorderly conduct – because it doesn’t go on their permanent record. As an alter-boy at Holy Cross elementary school in the South Bronx, the nuns were always threatening to us that anytime we did something out of line it would wound up on our permanent record. I often wonder if Tyrone Murphy is still paying the price for chucking that eraser out the classroom window. It was a tough school – nuns caning, lunchtime beatings, two-hour mandatory morning services…

My best friend was the only other white kid in the school. Curiously enough, he also went to art school (not the same school I went but where I eventually taught) but of instead of freelance illustrating he was picked Playgirl’s Man of the Year, landed a gig on a major soap opera and became a gay icon (not necessarily in that order). His biggest coup was being romantically linked to Penthouse Pet of the Year and Howard Stern regular, Sandra Taylor aka Sandi Korn. We’ve since lost touch years ago and our paths remotely crossed when he appeared in a soft-core porn movie, which included my ex. No, I have never sat down to watch the movie, the movie that would surely send me straight into therapy.

Anyhoo, for this reason I’m actually recommending freelancing for a change – for at least those coming out of the big house. You’re obviously part of a group that has enjoyed more life experiences (to get yourself into jail and while there). That’s why agents and editors wait there at the gates–for the next wave of artists and writers (no question, Paris will get a book deal when she tries to re-enter the free world). Personally my favorite writers and artists are felons. Outside artists, like Raymond Materson made great pieces of art from socks. Socks.


Raymond Materson, Jeter '06 socks

Each year The Puck Building (on Houston St.) has the Outsider Fair (which has gradually increased in popularity and price of admission and actual pieces. My wife and I have a small collection of outsider art. Some pieces we got at The House of Blues in Las Vegas when it was an active art gallery before it exploded into a chain store/concert hall. The next best place to buy outsider art is The American Primitive Gallery on Broadway. To learn more about folk art check out The American Folk Art Museum.

Paris Hilton EXCLUSIVE!

Paris Hilton will have to serve the balance of her jail term chained to this monitoring ankle cuff within the confines of her 4,000 square-ft mansion.

Freelancing in the Bighouse

(Big apologies to those who stopped by this blog in recent weeks only to find it stagnant. Due to legal minutia with my snowman book, juicy details I unfortunately cannot share publicly which involve a late Beatle and a certain female superhero, I'm not kidding, I’ve been out of commission the past two weeks. )

Over the next couple of weeks I will post a multi-part series on freelancing and how prison can help. In the meantime, I wanted to mention that there have been break-outs where jailbirds greased their naked bodies from head to toe and squeezed through the cell bars to escape. This is a real story (and not a Paris Hilton video).

Back to work…unfortunately. For more me I am on page 68 in the current issue of The New Yorker and will be in the sports section of this Sunday’s NY Times. For more stamps go here. Thanks.

One last item. I have been receiving many requests asking where one can learn more about moist towelettes. A good place to start is The Moist Towelette Museum. In all due respect, I won't be spending more time on this subject or personal hygiene...on this blog anyway.