Jessica Seinfeld, Lance Bass, Kaavya Viswanathan, James Frey

What do those people have in common? Not much.

Except they are all famous, wealthy and cute as a button and each have a book which brought them much attention and scrutiny. Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld’s Deceptive Cooking at the top of the best-seller list for hiding, among other things, pureed vegetables in junk food. Kaavya shared the same agent as Seinfeld. Frey and Seinfeld's common tread is that their respective Oprah appearance sent their books instantly to number one.

Meanwhile Lance Bass, formerly of NSYNCSRYS, just came out, literally, with his new book called I’m Coming Out or something like that. My connection to Mr. Bass, aside from the fact neither of our books has been mentioned on Oprah, yet, is that my book shares the same publisher and stuff (last night was his book party attended by the same people working on my book and Michael Musto, who I used to share a cubicle with at The Village Voice. We hated each other and he made the news for his lewd behavior at the party.)

I doubt if Lance Bass has to worry about window displays. Last night I was in my basement making Styrofoam snowman mobiles. I’m sorry but that doesn’t sell books. I put up a video on YouTube that has 16 views so far. Pretty boy Lance was on Tyra Banks, The View, Dateline and a dozen other shows venting about being gay in a boy band. His book is currently ranked at #126. Mine is at #685,785. Granted his book has been in stores a full week ahead of mine but someone, whether it's me or the snowman, is going to have to come out of the closet. I explained to my agent and publisher Simon & Schuster today that if that’s what it takes to get some notice, some airtime, I’m willing to give this sexual orientation thing a crack and go the extra yard. I’m already pretty disoriented in the bedroom. I’ll do anything the publisher and my publicist wants me to try.

Anything short of starting a boy band.