TimeOut Gives Me a Timeout

As of last week, I will no longer be doing The Talking Points cartoon for TimeOut magazine. For those who come here to get an earful of old-fashioned freelance lamenting, this post is for you.

I was fired after a new editor was hired for the section in which my column has been appearing the last few years. Since it was her first week I try to make it go smoothly by providing her more sketches/ideas than usual (3). Ideas have to get approved before they go to final and she approved the 4th (!) idea, the cartoon sketch seen in the previous post. But the night before deadline she asked me to come up with another new cartoon. By that time I simply didn’t have enough time to start and finish a new idea – I would have liked to help out but it takes me many hours when I know what the text is. Instead, a story went in place of my cartoon and when I contacted the new editor later she would only tell me the editor-in-chief would be getting in touch with me. He nicely explained that TimeOut would be like to try other cartoonists, adding that maybe I would appear again at a future time. I thanked him for giving me the opportunity for doing the cartoon in the first place (he “inherited” me from a different regime) and expressed my desire to return at a later time should things change (like that editor who got me fired moving on).

There lies the essence of a freelancer’s lament with all the insecurities and frustrations that come from this business; because you’re not there at the office, you really don’t now what’s going on, what people are thinking. Nor are you able to defend yourself. I'll never really know what explanation was given that I didn't have a cartoon for my editor. Like why we can’t put metal in a microwave – it will remain a mystery. Well, that's the joy of freelancing, there are other places to move on to to get fired from.

The Talking Points cartoon was a wonderful opportunity and, in it’s inception, was very creative and exciting. I know many enjoyed it as I received fan mail from all over and offers from agents and TV people. But in the last year most of the time my ideas were rejected and I frequently did editor’s ideas and asked to simplify the cartoon. Hopefully they will receive some feedback that I am missed and I get asked back.

For old time’s sake here are two appropriately themed cartoons from the past:

Illustrated Guide to Breaking Up in the 21st Century
Do you know what the problem with The Break-Up is? No, it’s not Jennifer Aniston. The problem is that the way they split up is so old-fashioned. Isn’t that what the Information Age is for—to make our interpersonal conflicts quicker, cleaner and more e-tastic? Here are some products for the new Apple MacBook we’d like to see that would offer the advantages of both distance and drama:


iPissed
Giving someone the heave-ho has never been easier. With this combination of Apple’s patentediSight and iChat AV technologies, you can dump anyone and have supportive pals close at hand, through a video conference call.


iHateYou
Intuitive iPhoto supported by X-Blocker remotely accesses your computer via cellphone, scrubbing your hard-drive of any images related to your ex. Perfect for when you break up on vacation and don’t want to come home to bad memories.


iSplit
Creates an obsessive library of DVDs, books, and personal items to sort, divide and fight over viaiSync and a special home page, thatglassismine.com.


iMovedOn
This easy Web-page setup lets you flaunt new liaisons using QuickieTime.


iDon’tCare
Smart e-mail with iGnore software automatically filters and responds to pathetic pleas to get back together.

Looks like I’ll be sending out this resume again.

Cartoon Killed

This cartoon was to appear in TimeOut in a piece called Illustrated Guide to Summer Comebacks but was killed the last second for being crap. This is just a rough before I was to clean it up and color it. I will be talking to the staff to discuss whether I'll be staying on or moving on. More soon.

Congratulations Barry Bonds – Your Impact on Our Pastime is Immeasurable

(This cartoon was part of a series I did for The New York Times called The Wide World of Scandals.)

Here is the follow-up to the last post regarding phony photos published in TimeOut.

Reaching to Out to Others Instead of Kicking Them While They're Down. Constructive Criticism for Lindsay Lohan

I just finished making this photo of human car wreck Lindsay Lohan as a public service of what could be done to deter her from getting into trouble and into a car. It was to appear in TimeOut magazine about phony photos (due to the fact the topic is reported in the current issue of The American Journal Review). It's become a real problem in the media with award-winning photojournalists getting fired for eliminating and adding extraneous elements from their reporting/photos, distorting the truth. All of this, like the infamous doctored war photo containing cloned smoke of one year ago, places a black cloud over our trust and makes us wonder if Wikipedia is any worse than any other information source. Hypocritically, not only did I just link to Wikipedia, but I just modified some pictures in my upcoming column myself.

So what gives? My personal stance is that under no circumstances should one cheat with Photoshop, distorting the truth...unless it makes something funny. And also if enhancing various "things" for various "reasons" could lead to better job opportunities and social status. E.g. Hilary Clinton cleavage controversary in The Washington Post last week may actually have an effect on the presidental election.

My editor and I did not see eye to eye on this piece – he was set on having a large ball and chain attached to Lohan. I wanted to give her a dog cone. I know, I know. Why even have a picture of Lindsay Lohan? Haven't we all seen enough of her? Well, yes, but we haven't seen enough of her wearing a dog cone was my reasoning.

Enclosed here is also a portrait of Vice President Dick Cheney, which also got cut.



Meanwhile, I just finished a job for The New York Times where they give me carte blanche editorially. That piece, about the recent rash of sports scandals, will appear this Sunday (August 5th) in the sports section.

Bloomberg, the Toast of the Town

This week, in light of the rash of YouTube candidate videos, I did a piece on viral campaigning. Viral campaigning as in out-of-the-box, guerilla advertising. As many people already know, greasy spoons throughout NYC have modified their toasters to make “Bloomberg toast.” For more, check out TimeOut.

The Slush Files; Part 2

A MIDLIFE CRISIS UPDATE
Of course the premise of Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret is not a new one. When I was nineteen a book called Seeds of Greatness: 10 Best Kept Secrets of Total Success instructed me to make a list of life goals, which, through the power of positive thinking, would be obtainable to me by the time I was 50. Now two decades later and the clouds of a midlife crisis drifting in, the time has come to reflect back on that list and give myself a report card. At first glance I see that many of my dreams have hit the dust like melons falling off a flatbed truck on life’s bumpy journey.

1) Have a Threesome.
What seemed like such a good idea at the time, not so much now. Doughy and short of necessary stamina, just the idea of being naked in front of someone (including my wife or myself) disgusts me, never mind the logistic improbability these set-backs bring to the table. No point in elaborating. Grade: F

2) Be the First Beginner to Win the US. Open.
I have not missed a single U.S. tennis championship in the past fifteen years. Granted, I’ve attended as only a spectator but I have accumulated invaluable insight into what distinguishes the pretenders from the contenders. As I have learnt while reading Brad Gilbert’s, Winning Ugly, a book that is (slowly) bringing me closer to fulfilling my dream, becoming a champion is 50% physical–75% mental. This September I begin tennis lessons. Grade: C+

3) Invent a Time Machine.
Again, it looks like I might have raised the bar too high. Not only can I not report any progress on this front but for the past twenty years it hasn’t even been on my radar. I totally forgot about this probably very soon after I wrote it because the next year I preceded to go to art school and I can’t remember taking another physics class or whatever it is I would need to start work on a time machine. Probably have to let go of this one. Grade: F

4) Have My Own Remote Island Fully Staffed By Domesticated Monkeys.
Originally the intent was to have a tropical island overflowing with Amazon women waiting on me hand and foot. Ultimately, that vision was tweaked to funny monkeys in suits. At this junction of my life, further compromise seems in order and now I’m shooting for someplace more local, perhaps not off the grid but a share in the metropolitan area. Plus, now I see the benefits of not having servants who fling feces at each other. That said, the dream lives on, minus the chimps.
Grade: D

5) Go To The North Pole.
Obviously I was a kid who understood his priorities. This goal was nearly reached when seven years ago I eloped to Reykjavik and honeymooned in the Arctic Circle. But one thing kept holding me back in my quest to the pole that I didn’t count on–I really don’t like the cold. Grade: C

6) Meet Thomas Dolby.
Yes, I was as surprised as you to find this entry on my list. For what its worth, last year I saw the’80s pop star of “She Blinded Me With Science” fame at Joe’s Pub but like so many of my dreams from yesteryear, I didn’t even recognize the now-bald and paunchy Dolby when we happened to be standing next to each other. Less star struck and more struck with the finite shelf life of my dreams, I would still put Thomas Dolby on my dream dinner table but maybe now I’d feel comfortable enough to ask him to help clear the dishes. Grade: B+

The Slush Files; Part 1

Anyway, back to Montana for a minute. The best way to sum up this beautiful state is with this item from a local paper demonstrating 5-yr olds wheeling power tools as I'm told, "the way God intended them to."


Yep, everything is alittle different here at Glacier. Here is a excerpt of some of the entertainment we enjoyed in it's national park;

This Evening’s Programs (The Slush Files; Part 1)
Welcome to Glacier National Park. We at the great Lake McDonald Lodge invite guests to our free park sponsored seminars. The schedule for the week of the 24th is as following;

Monday at 8 pm at the Fish Creek Amphitheater we present “Watch Your Step!” by Professor Françoise Manúre, author of Every Critter Poops. This interactive program will demonstrate how our forests are just one big bathroom and includes real scat samples of all shapes and sizes to pass around. Cookies and beverages will be served.

Tuesday at 8:30 pm there will be a discussion in the dining hall called “How to Get the Most Out of Buffets.” This lively, comprehensive course is led by buffet-expert and health-skeptic Bob Grievances and cover subjects including pre-meal fasting and pacing yourself. Buffet Bob will teach you how to eat and evaluate using the catch and release method from his bestselling book, All You Can Eat. Continental breakfasts vs. breakfast buffets will also be discussed. Snacks will be served non-stop.


Thursday at 8:00 at The Avalanche Campground, “Can Your Marriage Survive This Trip?” Vacations can be relationship killers. Dr. Trudy knows this and will work with couples through common vacation pitfalls like how much to tip and what happens when you get really sick and tired of each other. Nobody leaves the class until they learn her buzzwords; compromise and separate-vacations!

“BEAR HERE! Gone Tomorrow; Grizzly Self-Defense.” Did you know humans cannot outrun bears? But did you also know most bears do not know Jujitsu? Master Lin will show you how to use black belt against the black bear and other, quote unquote, alternative methods of campground combat including hypnosis and slight-of-hand. Don’t let bear attacks ruin your visit to Glacier National Park. This popular fireside demonstration will be conducted Fridays at 9 pm in the Many Glaciers Lodge. Please bring one frying pan, a helmet, a pound of sliced deli meat and pepper spray.