The Slush Files; Part 2

A MIDLIFE CRISIS UPDATE
Of course the premise of Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret is not a new one. When I was nineteen a book called Seeds of Greatness: 10 Best Kept Secrets of Total Success instructed me to make a list of life goals, which, through the power of positive thinking, would be obtainable to me by the time I was 50. Now two decades later and the clouds of a midlife crisis drifting in, the time has come to reflect back on that list and give myself a report card. At first glance I see that many of my dreams have hit the dust like melons falling off a flatbed truck on life’s bumpy journey.

1) Have a Threesome.
What seemed like such a good idea at the time, not so much now. Doughy and short of necessary stamina, just the idea of being naked in front of someone (including my wife or myself) disgusts me, never mind the logistic improbability these set-backs bring to the table. No point in elaborating. Grade: F

2) Be the First Beginner to Win the US. Open.
I have not missed a single U.S. tennis championship in the past fifteen years. Granted, I’ve attended as only a spectator but I have accumulated invaluable insight into what distinguishes the pretenders from the contenders. As I have learnt while reading Brad Gilbert’s, Winning Ugly, a book that is (slowly) bringing me closer to fulfilling my dream, becoming a champion is 50% physical–75% mental. This September I begin tennis lessons. Grade: C+

3) Invent a Time Machine.
Again, it looks like I might have raised the bar too high. Not only can I not report any progress on this front but for the past twenty years it hasn’t even been on my radar. I totally forgot about this probably very soon after I wrote it because the next year I preceded to go to art school and I can’t remember taking another physics class or whatever it is I would need to start work on a time machine. Probably have to let go of this one. Grade: F

4) Have My Own Remote Island Fully Staffed By Domesticated Monkeys.
Originally the intent was to have a tropical island overflowing with Amazon women waiting on me hand and foot. Ultimately, that vision was tweaked to funny monkeys in suits. At this junction of my life, further compromise seems in order and now I’m shooting for someplace more local, perhaps not off the grid but a share in the metropolitan area. Plus, now I see the benefits of not having servants who fling feces at each other. That said, the dream lives on, minus the chimps.
Grade: D

5) Go To The North Pole.
Obviously I was a kid who understood his priorities. This goal was nearly reached when seven years ago I eloped to Reykjavik and honeymooned in the Arctic Circle. But one thing kept holding me back in my quest to the pole that I didn’t count on–I really don’t like the cold. Grade: C

6) Meet Thomas Dolby.
Yes, I was as surprised as you to find this entry on my list. For what its worth, last year I saw the’80s pop star of “She Blinded Me With Science” fame at Joe’s Pub but like so many of my dreams from yesteryear, I didn’t even recognize the now-bald and paunchy Dolby when we happened to be standing next to each other. Less star struck and more struck with the finite shelf life of my dreams, I would still put Thomas Dolby on my dream dinner table but maybe now I’d feel comfortable enough to ask him to help clear the dishes. Grade: B+